If you’re not under control, then you cannot be in charge.
We continually surrender control over our emotional responses to those around us. When we need others to accept us or validate us by doing whatever we tell them to do, we make them the care takers of our emotional remote controls.
Learning to be under control means taking responsibility for your decisions, before, during, and after you make them.
When it comes to relationships, you can only hold one remote control at a time. When you grab for someone else’s remote, you automatically give him or her access to your own.
If you come to rely on your ability to control others, you’re destined for frustration and misery.
To truly be in charge, means having the power to create lasting and continued growth, not just exerting power or demanding obedience, it means inspiring your children to motivate themselves.
This makes for a shift from controlling your kid’s behavior to influencing their decisions. Your goal is not to control, your goal is to influence.
You want to continually hold up and respect their ability to make choices. Even choices you disagree with. Unless they’re free to make their own choices, they cannot learn the connection between choices and consequences.
You should not be in the business of forcing compliance at all costs. It works for the short term and sows the seeds for long term disaster.
When you need your children to comply for your sake, you’re creating a power based exchange that asks them to be the care takers of your emotional state.
When we scream, the message is always the same, “Calm me down.”
Whenever we react to our children by screaming, we’re actually begging them to calm our anxiety.
When we put all our emotional buttons in children’s hands, we become totally focused on them. We’ve begun a sort of orbit around them. Attaching all our emotional responses to how they perform in school, whether they use good manners, or whatever other decision they are making today. The entire family’s emotional life is now tied to the whims, frailties, and growing pains of the least mature members of the family. “Calm me down son, because I cannot calm myself.”
You have to make holding your emotional responses in your own hands a priority.
Giving in to your reactivity helps create the very outcomes you’re trying to avoid. This is because of a process called anxiety transfer.
For you to have the lasting influence on your child’s choices, you first have to calm down.
In order to be in charge you have to bring yourself under control.
Q and A
1. What situation with your child seems to make you the most reactive?
Isaiah is in the habit of taking toys away from Ethan because they’re “his”. He also can hit or push Ethan sometimes. I react quickly when those things happen, especially the hitting or pushing. I also get reactive when he continually does not listen.
2. What is your typical way of screaming?
My typical way of screaming is giving a hard stare, or grabbing tightly by the arm, or using a very stern voice.
3. When you do lose your temper, who are you usually tempted to blame?
Probably whoever made me mad.
4. Has anyone ever tried to make you lose your temper on purpose? How did you respond?
Probably in grade school. Probably not well.
5. Recall a time when you were proud of the fact that you remained calm and connected during a heated situation. How did your calm presence affect the outcome?
A calm presence can help calm people down when they’re frantic or anxious or scared. I like it when people can do this for me and I like to be able to do it for other people.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Wednesday, November 7, 2007
Chapter 1
Quotes
Are your children something you can control or something you cannot control?
Even if you could control your kids, should you?
Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.
Our biggest struggle with parents is with our own emotional reactivity.
That’s why the greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on us not them. Instead of anxiously trying to control our kids, let’s focus on something we can control. Calming our own emotional, knee-jerk reactions.
How can we have any influence on our children’s decision making, if we don’t have an influence on our own. When we get reactive, we get regressive, we shrink back to an immature level of functioning.
If I get loud and scary and intimidating, I may get compliance eventually, but at what price? I may have screamed my son into submission, but what type of relationship will I have with him if I continue to parent by reactive intimidation. If we want to be influential, then we first have to bring ourselves under control. Only then can we choose our response. Only then can we choose how we want to behave regardless of how our children choose to behave.
We feel overwhelmed, overstretched, overcommitted, underprepared, and underappreciated. That’s a recipe for being overwhelmed.
If there is one area where we feel the pressure of absolute success, it’s with our parenting.
Parenting is serious business, the stakes are unbelievably high, the cost of failure is unimaginable.
You may wonder, “Is it supposed to be this hard?”
The answer is yes and no. Yes parenting is hard and it’s supposed to be. But no we don’t have to feel overwhelmed.
Here’s the most damaging lie about parenting.
We are responsible FOR our children.
Most people would define parenting as this, “It is our job as parents to get our children to think, feel, and especially behave. It is our job to get our children to be good. Right?”
Wrong.
We have a far greater responsibility TO our children, than we have FOR our children. We are much less responsible FOR our children than we have ever been told. However we have a far greater responbiity TO our children than we have ever realized.
Even in infancy, our kids start embrace their natural ability about what they will and will not do. They will begin to choose how they think, how they feel, and how they behave. I know this concept is simplistic, but it carries all the seeds of our frustration in raising kids. They simply make different choices than we want them to make. They choose to yell and scream in the grocery store. They choose not to do their homework. They choose to break curfew and disrespect our rules. If you are responsible FOR your children then you have to figure out how to program them to make the right choices and you need to do it quickly. You have to learn the right techniques to get them to think, feel, and behave according to your definition of good. All of this sounds alarmingly like obedience training. It comes at no surprise then to find parenting books at your local bookseller written by animal trainers. “What works for Fido can work for your child.” If you are totally responsible for coercing your children into being good, then it makes perfect sense to enlist some program or system like that. Such an approach may make parents feeling big and in charge, but it leaves children feeling small and incompetent. The fact that our children have been given the power of choice as self directed human beings can thwart even the best obedience training program. Children will soon realize they are in a no win situation. Either they kill their own decision making spirit in an attempt to reduce their parent’s anxiety, or they rebel against their parent’s authority.
On one hand, what will make mom and dad less anxious, on the other hand what will make mom and dad more anxious.
There must be a way to dramatically influence the life of a child without resorting to programming or coercion. ScreamFree parenting emphasizes calming our own anxiety.
We may scream, we may manipulate, we may use violence, or we may neglect, avoid, or withhold love. All of these are different ways of screaming.
The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.
You’re responsible TO your children, your spouse, friends, and family.
Say out loud, “I am responsible TO my child for how I behave regardless of how they behave.”
If you make sure you behave even when they misbehave, you have a greater chance of positively influencing the situation.
We want our kids to be self aware, self directed, and ready to take personal responsibility for their actions.
Learn to focus on yourself. This will not be easy. Once you turn the focus inward, you will always learn more about yourself than you wanted to know. Like how easily you allow access to your emotional buttons or how much you’ve been trying to teach your children lessons you have let to learn yourself. It is all about discovering where you still need to grow. Open your eyes to your own continued maturity so you can lead your children to theirs.
Questions:
1. The greatest thing you can do for you kids is learn to focus on yourself. When you heard that line, what did you think?
For the most part I disagreed with that statement. I think the greatest thing you can do for you children is love your spouse. But my spouse won’t be happy unless I’m happy, so I guess it is smart to be self aware of my own happiness.
2. Is your reaction any different now that you’ve heard the whole chapter?
Not really.
3. Recall one of the times you felt your child was out of control. If you had a greater control over your own emotions, how could you have had a different outcome?
Right now, if things don’t go Isaiah’s way, he gets upset and runs out of the room. It’s frustrating for me because he’s literally running away from the situation. What’s important to me is that I don’t jump to anger or violent grabs. He’s pretty good in Church and he can basically sense when some situations are more important than others for him to behave. Ethan is a little less aware, but he’s one. So I tend to be more understanding of his frustrations in Church. I feel Isaiah is out of control when he continues to hit or push out of frustration. But, I think Annalisa and I have done our best to deal with that. I’m not unhappy with how quickly we deal with that situation.
4. What has prevented you from focusing on yourself?
Culture, pressure, family values. Basically, I get an opportunity to focus on myself and mental and physical well being when I exercise every day. So, I don’t need a lot more than that.
5. What do you think are your responsibilities to each of your children.
I feel responsible and accountable to Isaiah to educate him about Jesus. If I were Isaiah, I would want to know about Christ and Heaven and Hell. If I don’t do a good job educating, I’m not sure anyone else will outside of Annalisa. But along the lines of this book, I feel responsible to Isaiah to help him learn how to make intelligent decisions for himself. I feel responsible to him to help him gain confidence and integrity. I feel responsible to him to help him learn how to love well. I feel responsible to Isaiah to set a good example. I feel like I owe him that and that he deserves that.
Are your children something you can control or something you cannot control?
Even if you could control your kids, should you?
Emotional reactivity is our worst enemy when it comes to having great relationships.
Our biggest struggle with parents is with our own emotional reactivity.
That’s why the greatest thing we can do for our kids is learn to focus on us not them. Instead of anxiously trying to control our kids, let’s focus on something we can control. Calming our own emotional, knee-jerk reactions.
How can we have any influence on our children’s decision making, if we don’t have an influence on our own. When we get reactive, we get regressive, we shrink back to an immature level of functioning.
If I get loud and scary and intimidating, I may get compliance eventually, but at what price? I may have screamed my son into submission, but what type of relationship will I have with him if I continue to parent by reactive intimidation. If we want to be influential, then we first have to bring ourselves under control. Only then can we choose our response. Only then can we choose how we want to behave regardless of how our children choose to behave.
We feel overwhelmed, overstretched, overcommitted, underprepared, and underappreciated. That’s a recipe for being overwhelmed.
If there is one area where we feel the pressure of absolute success, it’s with our parenting.
Parenting is serious business, the stakes are unbelievably high, the cost of failure is unimaginable.
You may wonder, “Is it supposed to be this hard?”
The answer is yes and no. Yes parenting is hard and it’s supposed to be. But no we don’t have to feel overwhelmed.
Here’s the most damaging lie about parenting.
We are responsible FOR our children.
Most people would define parenting as this, “It is our job as parents to get our children to think, feel, and especially behave. It is our job to get our children to be good. Right?”
Wrong.
We have a far greater responsibility TO our children, than we have FOR our children. We are much less responsible FOR our children than we have ever been told. However we have a far greater responbiity TO our children than we have ever realized.
Even in infancy, our kids start embrace their natural ability about what they will and will not do. They will begin to choose how they think, how they feel, and how they behave. I know this concept is simplistic, but it carries all the seeds of our frustration in raising kids. They simply make different choices than we want them to make. They choose to yell and scream in the grocery store. They choose not to do their homework. They choose to break curfew and disrespect our rules. If you are responsible FOR your children then you have to figure out how to program them to make the right choices and you need to do it quickly. You have to learn the right techniques to get them to think, feel, and behave according to your definition of good. All of this sounds alarmingly like obedience training. It comes at no surprise then to find parenting books at your local bookseller written by animal trainers. “What works for Fido can work for your child.” If you are totally responsible for coercing your children into being good, then it makes perfect sense to enlist some program or system like that. Such an approach may make parents feeling big and in charge, but it leaves children feeling small and incompetent. The fact that our children have been given the power of choice as self directed human beings can thwart even the best obedience training program. Children will soon realize they are in a no win situation. Either they kill their own decision making spirit in an attempt to reduce their parent’s anxiety, or they rebel against their parent’s authority.
On one hand, what will make mom and dad less anxious, on the other hand what will make mom and dad more anxious.
There must be a way to dramatically influence the life of a child without resorting to programming or coercion. ScreamFree parenting emphasizes calming our own anxiety.
We may scream, we may manipulate, we may use violence, or we may neglect, avoid, or withhold love. All of these are different ways of screaming.
The only way to retain a position of influence with our children is to regain a position of control over ourselves.
You’re responsible TO your children, your spouse, friends, and family.
Say out loud, “I am responsible TO my child for how I behave regardless of how they behave.”
If you make sure you behave even when they misbehave, you have a greater chance of positively influencing the situation.
We want our kids to be self aware, self directed, and ready to take personal responsibility for their actions.
Learn to focus on yourself. This will not be easy. Once you turn the focus inward, you will always learn more about yourself than you wanted to know. Like how easily you allow access to your emotional buttons or how much you’ve been trying to teach your children lessons you have let to learn yourself. It is all about discovering where you still need to grow. Open your eyes to your own continued maturity so you can lead your children to theirs.
Questions:
1. The greatest thing you can do for you kids is learn to focus on yourself. When you heard that line, what did you think?
For the most part I disagreed with that statement. I think the greatest thing you can do for you children is love your spouse. But my spouse won’t be happy unless I’m happy, so I guess it is smart to be self aware of my own happiness.
2. Is your reaction any different now that you’ve heard the whole chapter?
Not really.
3. Recall one of the times you felt your child was out of control. If you had a greater control over your own emotions, how could you have had a different outcome?
Right now, if things don’t go Isaiah’s way, he gets upset and runs out of the room. It’s frustrating for me because he’s literally running away from the situation. What’s important to me is that I don’t jump to anger or violent grabs. He’s pretty good in Church and he can basically sense when some situations are more important than others for him to behave. Ethan is a little less aware, but he’s one. So I tend to be more understanding of his frustrations in Church. I feel Isaiah is out of control when he continues to hit or push out of frustration. But, I think Annalisa and I have done our best to deal with that. I’m not unhappy with how quickly we deal with that situation.
4. What has prevented you from focusing on yourself?
Culture, pressure, family values. Basically, I get an opportunity to focus on myself and mental and physical well being when I exercise every day. So, I don’t need a lot more than that.
5. What do you think are your responsibilities to each of your children.
I feel responsible and accountable to Isaiah to educate him about Jesus. If I were Isaiah, I would want to know about Christ and Heaven and Hell. If I don’t do a good job educating, I’m not sure anyone else will outside of Annalisa. But along the lines of this book, I feel responsible to Isaiah to help him learn how to make intelligent decisions for himself. I feel responsible to him to help him gain confidence and integrity. I feel responsible to him to help him learn how to love well. I feel responsible to Isaiah to set a good example. I feel like I owe him that and that he deserves that.
Monday, November 5, 2007
Chapter 0
Quotes
Kids want parents who are far less anxious and far more level headed than they are. Your kids want you to remain unflappable, even when they flip out.
Parents everywhere are facing the toughest challenge of their lives, trying to create a loving family environment filled with mutual respect and co-operation. They’re trying to do this in a culture that celebrates irresponsibility and self-indulgence. It’s no wonder parents feel more anxious than ever before. They feel overwhelmed and underappreciated.
We have been bombarded with the call to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our kids. Focus all of our attention on what our kids need and learn to always be there for them. We’ve heard all of this and more, and it’s not helping. This call for total self sacrifice is actually hurting. Leaving parents feeling more overwhelmed more frustrated and less capable.
In a rash reaction to the, “children should be seen and not heard” formula that many of our parents have grown up with, we’ve gone to another extreme, the “our lives revolve around our children” formula.
All parents do experience to various levels or degrees a universal struggle, we all feel incredibly anxious about our kids and their choices. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. We don’t realize when this anxiety takes over, and we get reactive.
It’s called ScreamFree because screaming is the most popular reaction. But there are other reactions, such as disconnecting ourselves from the situation, or beginning to overcompensate. Ever pick up after your kids because you’re so tired of battling them about it? Some of us just give up and keep giving in. All of these reactions are just different ways of screaming. They are all just as ineffective in creating the type of relationships we crave with our children.
Envision yourself in a non-reactive yet fully connected relationship with each of your children. That’s the catch, remaining both calm and connected. Many parents can remain calm by disengaging from the relationship. Other parents stay fully engaged only to let their anxiety drive the relationship.
ScreamFree parenting teaches you to calm your own anxiety first, enabling you to remain fully connected and involved. This creates a revolutionary relationship with each of your kids and your family, a relationship where your position is that of an inspiring influence. Your leadership role is that of a calming authority.
You can start practicing the principals that will bring about new patterns of connection and co-operation.
It all begins with one fundamental shift. Parenting is not about children. It’s about parents.
Thoughts
Isaiah is an awesome little boy. He’s energetic and observant and funny. He makes me laugh so wholeheartedly and has the ability to make a whole room smile inwardly despite themselves and their current life situation. But he’s also a normal three year old. He gets frustrated easily when things don’t go his way. In certain situations he can get so angry and upset or sad.
Ethan is the epitome of sweet. His little face carries all his emotions. He runs with his eyes closed because I imagine it’s a funner experience for him. He babbles and tries to communicate with words only he understands. But he does know some words and it is too beautiful to describe when he asks for “uppie” or “joos”. And when you ask him, “What do you say?” He proudly proclaims, “PEEEESS!!”
When Isaiah interacts with Ethan I’ve noticed a few things. He gets mad at him so quickly and easily. I didn’t like how he was treating Ethan and it occurred to me that that was how I treat him. If he doesn’t do something I like, I’ve raised my voice, I’ve grabbed him and in a very stern face and tone I’ve told him what I’ve wanted him to do or not do. So when he was interacting with Ethan, he was doing the same. Same voice, same face.
Hmmmmm…. Monkey see, monkey do.
This monkey needs to figure out a healthy way to be a positive influence that I’m comfortable with.
I came across the audio book, ScreamFree Parenting at the library. The author did a really good job with his language and reasoning and purpose. He really was speaking the language of my parental heart and his explanations made sense to me.
Kids want parents who are far less anxious and far more level headed than they are. Your kids want you to remain unflappable, even when they flip out.
Parents everywhere are facing the toughest challenge of their lives, trying to create a loving family environment filled with mutual respect and co-operation. They’re trying to do this in a culture that celebrates irresponsibility and self-indulgence. It’s no wonder parents feel more anxious than ever before. They feel overwhelmed and underappreciated.
We have been bombarded with the call to sacrifice ourselves for the sake of our kids. Focus all of our attention on what our kids need and learn to always be there for them. We’ve heard all of this and more, and it’s not helping. This call for total self sacrifice is actually hurting. Leaving parents feeling more overwhelmed more frustrated and less capable.
In a rash reaction to the, “children should be seen and not heard” formula that many of our parents have grown up with, we’ve gone to another extreme, the “our lives revolve around our children” formula.
All parents do experience to various levels or degrees a universal struggle, we all feel incredibly anxious about our kids and their choices. We fret and worry about how our kids will turn out. We don’t realize when this anxiety takes over, and we get reactive.
It’s called ScreamFree because screaming is the most popular reaction. But there are other reactions, such as disconnecting ourselves from the situation, or beginning to overcompensate. Ever pick up after your kids because you’re so tired of battling them about it? Some of us just give up and keep giving in. All of these reactions are just different ways of screaming. They are all just as ineffective in creating the type of relationships we crave with our children.
Envision yourself in a non-reactive yet fully connected relationship with each of your children. That’s the catch, remaining both calm and connected. Many parents can remain calm by disengaging from the relationship. Other parents stay fully engaged only to let their anxiety drive the relationship.
ScreamFree parenting teaches you to calm your own anxiety first, enabling you to remain fully connected and involved. This creates a revolutionary relationship with each of your kids and your family, a relationship where your position is that of an inspiring influence. Your leadership role is that of a calming authority.
You can start practicing the principals that will bring about new patterns of connection and co-operation.
It all begins with one fundamental shift. Parenting is not about children. It’s about parents.
Thoughts
Isaiah is an awesome little boy. He’s energetic and observant and funny. He makes me laugh so wholeheartedly and has the ability to make a whole room smile inwardly despite themselves and their current life situation. But he’s also a normal three year old. He gets frustrated easily when things don’t go his way. In certain situations he can get so angry and upset or sad.
Ethan is the epitome of sweet. His little face carries all his emotions. He runs with his eyes closed because I imagine it’s a funner experience for him. He babbles and tries to communicate with words only he understands. But he does know some words and it is too beautiful to describe when he asks for “uppie” or “joos”. And when you ask him, “What do you say?” He proudly proclaims, “PEEEESS!!”
When Isaiah interacts with Ethan I’ve noticed a few things. He gets mad at him so quickly and easily. I didn’t like how he was treating Ethan and it occurred to me that that was how I treat him. If he doesn’t do something I like, I’ve raised my voice, I’ve grabbed him and in a very stern face and tone I’ve told him what I’ve wanted him to do or not do. So when he was interacting with Ethan, he was doing the same. Same voice, same face.
Hmmmmm…. Monkey see, monkey do.
This monkey needs to figure out a healthy way to be a positive influence that I’m comfortable with.
I came across the audio book, ScreamFree Parenting at the library. The author did a really good job with his language and reasoning and purpose. He really was speaking the language of my parental heart and his explanations made sense to me.
Purpose
The purpose of this blog is to capture the important points I feel Hal Edward Runkel is making in his audio book, ScreamFree Parenting. I think that if I do a better job of defining the type of parent I want to be, I’ll have a better chance at being a better parent.
Quotes – are actual quotes from the audiobook
Thoughts – are my thoughts at the time
Q&A – are my answers to the questions at the end of the chapters
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